I have one more day until I leave for college. And I don't feel any sadness wrapping around my heart. But my heart, is like a clinching fist though. Years of damage and I'm still not sure how it's doing. I always think: What are they going to think when I don't cry, or when I don't frown, or when I just stand there and wait to get into the car? Why is this Good Bye? Why is this like going out for a long walk? Why can't this be normal? Why isn't everything just normal? Why does leaving feel like an escape? I feel heartless for feeling so elated on the inside. I just want to be happy for at least a full day.
I just want to know what its like away from the drama.
So Good Bye to my Mom, who'd rather be with her boyfriends.
Good Bye to my Aunt, who think is self centered and wants everyone to revoleve around her.
Good Bye to my Brother, who smokes and just exsists with me.
Good Bye to my Grandmother, who yells too loud about change.
Good Bye to my Family, who loved me but didn't love ME.
I hope they understand that I won't be back until I know what okay is again.
Every winter...I wait. For the sun to dive down. To go away. And then I waited for the night to call. I remember the first time I did it. I was in my room. Alone. Wondering if I was important enough for people to miss. I looked outside and saw the snow blowing in the wind. It was so dark outside, and I was too young to know better. But the wind was calling my name. I got my long furry jacket and my little furry hat. No one noticed me leave, and to be honest, that hurt me real deep. I left to our back yard where it was the darkest and sat, in the snow, waiting for nothing. Completely unaware of myself I was on my back looking up at the sky. To me it was beautiful. When I decided to go back inside I was covered with snow. I don't know wht but doing that made me happy. And so every year I waited for winter. And when it came I let the snow and the wind take my troubles away. To melt with winter. When snow melts it becomes sping, when new life is given a chance. A sign that life goes on no matter how harsh the dark times may be.
Sometimes I'm just not sure which way I should turn. Somtetimes I feel trapped. I can't be trapped again. It made me feel...I don't know...hollow. I'm afraid to let go completely. My walls are half way gone and I admit I'm not ready to let certain people see that real me. I love the ones that already see me even with the walls blocking their way. Things have been going up hill for me for some time now and I feel I don't deserve that. I havn't earned it. I hate people giving me things that I havn't worked for. I can't help but feel helpless when they do. Here is who I am: I have a passion for aniamls, I climb trees and walk around in the woods feeling at home (where I'm suppose to be), I draw and write my feelings (many times just for fun), my footsteps are quiet because guess what: I follow wild animals (I enjoy scaring people sometimes), people claim I'm easy to talk to so I give those close to me trust and comfort, I'm very spiritual and I don't claim the title Wiccan just yet though I study hard, this may be foolish but I believe in everything:greek gods celtic gods mermaids etc.(don't ask me why I just do), I am a wolf (at first I couldn't believe it because so many people think that they are but not and well I din't think I was special enough), I have a huge disire to live in Minnestota for some reason. I can go on and on but right now I have a sense of balance.
I know what it's like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in....but can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside and try to kill the THING on the inside. But that THING is the only thing that understands me(and you all too). It is my friend and im glad i never destroyed it. They were just trying to help. We think that hearing voices in our heads is wrong but actually it's normal for people like me. The other half that wants acknowledgement and thrives for our love. I love my other half and it had always loved me. If your like me in the world you need to realize that we were made to be different! If we can discover ourselves then we can find peace. Or atleast something that feels like it.
Previous PostsWhat Happened to the Good Good-bye?, posted August 20th, 2014
Winter, posted December 30th, 2012
Just Me, posted March 11th, 2012
My Friend Thats Inside Me, posted February 17th, 2012
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